The Joy Of Touch

Written By: Anne Semans

We live in such a touch-deprived culture. It's something I discovered when I was 15, thanks to a new best friend and her very affectionate family. We kissed hello and good-bye, and everyone in the family, even the exceedingly cute older brothers, accompanied their greetings with big bear hugs. Having come from a much less demonstrative family, I felt awkward at first, but then came to rely on those embraces. They made me feel loved, wanted, at home.

I became even more conscious of our touch-phobic society when I had my first child. Here, suddenly, was someone whose skin was so soft it begged to be touched, an infant constantly needing to be held, one who soon grew into a young girl asking for a nightly back rub. Such intimate touching I'd previously only shared with lovers, so the reliability and the comfort of this new kind of touch surprised and pleased me. I had forgotten how simple physical contact can infuse one with pleasure, a sense of well-being, and belonging. I greatly enjoy our connection, and I know that she relishes it too, not just as proof of my affection for her, but because it gives her these same feelings. As long as she welcomes my smooches and neck-nuzzling, she will have them.

Of course, part of the reason we've become so physically uptight has to do with a growing awareness of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, while child abuse does sadly exist, our awareness of it can mutate into suspicion and paranoia, which can leave even the most well-adjusted among us afraid to reach out. Many adults (take teachers for instance) who are in positions where physical affection can help a child's social development are forbidden from outward displays of affection. How sad--and wrong--not to embrace a hurting, needy, or happy child. Recently, while receiving a relaxing professional massage, I imagined how much my daughter would enjoy the tactile pleasures of a full-body massage, given her love of the nightly backrubs. I asked the masseuse whether anyone performed massages on children---only to be told few people did this, because of the likely association with or perceived potential for abuse. What a shame! When kids are born, parents are told that infant massage is vital to a child's healthy development, but as they grow up this gives way to a depressing preoccupation with inappropriate touching (it's all the school teaches them about touch). Many parents even begin to fear that the joy or pleasure they feel from touching their child may be inappropriate, which only causes them to withhold affection, and ultimately the child loses out. (An excellent discussion of this can be found in the book, The Eros of Parenthood.)

If we never get to experience what "good touch" is all about when we're younger, how do we develop good body images, or healthy sexual esteem? If making contact with others is so awkward and difficult, how can we ever enjoy dating, courtship, or sex without a great deal of trauma and shame? I invite all readers to reach out and touch somebody--today, tomorrow, or whenever the mood strikes. Pat a co-worker on the back (literally), give your mother and your father hugs, take a toddler's pudgy hands in yours.

Try Massage: As an adult, one of the easiest ways to bring a little tactile pleasure back into your life is to give or receive a massage. Hire a professional, or offer to give your partner a massage. Massage can be a prelude to an erotic interlude, or it can be a purely non-sexual way to relax and unwind. (It's a good idea to get clear on which kind of massage you're offering beforehand though!)

Many people shy away from giving each other massages because they don't have the expertise, but just putting a little skin to skin can do wonders for both of you. Let go of the performance anxiety and just explore your lover's skin. Have her or him tell you what and where your touch feels the best, and learn as you go. If you want to hone your technique there are dozens of books and videos available on the subject. In general, you want your partner to be comfortable, so make sure the room is warm enough, the phone is unplugged, and the kids are at the neighbors.

Toys to Enhance Massage: Toys can be a great way to enhance the massage; you can experiment with different types of stimulation. Some suggestions:

Feathers: Try lightly running a feather over your partner’s body for a sensation that even the lightest fingertips can’t approximate.

Fur: It may be a cliche today, but sex on the bearskin rug originated somewhere! Soft fur on naked skin is luxurious, but if you’re short on rugs or fireplaces, you can craft a fur mitt for a similar feel. Fake fur has made it possible for everyone to appreciate this sensation.

Fabrics: Satin, velvet, silk, suede, latex and who-knows-how-many other fabrics feel terrific against the skin. While satin sheets have been commercially available (and popular) for decades, other fabrics may be a little harder to play with, unless you’re willing to do a bit of sewing ahead of time or shop around in sex-toy boutiques. Blindfolds, fur-lined restraints and a variety of other leather and latex accessories can be found at specialty shops.

Powders, gels, edible items: Rub ’em on and lick ’em off. These appeal to folks’ desire to eat something off a lover. Flavor selections rival that of ice cream these days—passion fruit, cappuccino, hot chocolate—but beware: These products run the gamut from sweet-as-honey to tasty-as-motor-oil. Almost all have some kind of preservative in them, but a few boast natural ingredients and really do taste authentic. These edible gels do not double as massage lotions since they contain no oil and won’t spread easily—imagine using grape jelly for a full body massage. One product you might liek to investigate your experience is the Kama Sutra Love Essentials

Body paints: That’s right, your canvas is your lover’s body and you can “express yourself” with these colorful, washable paints. They tickle when applied, and the edible variety offers you the unique opportunity to eat your work of art and your lover at the same time. Some easy to apply and options are: Body Paint , Edible Finger Paints

Oils: Massage oils are intended for external use, but can be used for genital lubrication, as long as you don’t combine them with latex. Massage oils come in a few textures and dozens of scents, but if smelling like a flower or citrus doesn’t appeal to you, you can use the unscented kind. It’s not too difficult today to find massage oils that are made exclusively from natural ingredients, most commonly almond and safflower vegetable oils. (If you've got a nut allergy, skip the almond-based oils.) They are safe to ingest, though they’re not designed as edible treats, like the gels above. Some women are allergic to scented oils if used on the genitals, so experiment first with a small amount or use water-based lubricant instead. Remember to warm them up before applying.

Latex and Lube: The smoothness of a lubricated latex glove or condom can offer a unique sensation for both the giver and the receiver during a genital massage. Lubricants are an especially appealing option for genital massage since you’ll get the slipperiness of oil without the risks of getting any oil inside you (which can be hard for your body to break down and jeopardizes any latex condoms you may introduce later). Some suggestions for combining latex with lube are Latex gloves and Slippery Stuff Lubricant

Vibrators: Vibrators are usually packaged as “massagers” so why not try them during your next massage? They provide an intense stimulation that can work wonders on sore muscles or merely offer a pleasant alternative to one’s hands. If you’re trying out a variety of sensations on your partner’s body, a vibrator—especially one with several attachments—is a must. Experiment on the scalp, the feet, the inner thighs, the neck and face. Again recommended vibes to try are the Masssaging Vibrator or the Fukuoku finger vibe .

Toys available at www.libida.com, a great sex site for women and their lovers.

Anne Semans is the senior editor at Libida.com and the co-author of

The Mother's Guide to Sex

The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex

The Woman's Guide to Sex on the Web

Copyright 2002 Anne Semans

Toy section excerpted from The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Anne Semans and Cathy Winks.