Written By: Anne Semans

Consider this something of a "what I did this summer" essay. No tropical vacations or camping trips for me--I hung out in a dildo factory owned by a good friend. She started Vixen Creations , a veritable dildo department store featuring the finest faux phalluses I've ever laid eyes on. (And I've laid eyes on plenty of them!)

Vixen is a small operation, compared to big toy makers like Doc Johnson, because everything they make is handcrafted. There are no conveyer belts or giant claws plucking the dildos from their molds--there are just a dozen urban dyke employees who mix, pour, extract and groom every one of the thirty thousand dildos they sell each year.

Vixen takes such care with its toys because they're made of silicone, a material which requires special handling. Among sex toy fans, silicone reigns as the ideal material for dildos for a number of reasons:

It retains heat so it warms quickly to body temperature
It cleans up easily because it's not porous
The firm, yet flexible texture ensures a smooth, penetrating ride
Silicone transmits vibrations better than other materials
It's versatile and durable; harnesses won't tear or crack silicone
Silicone contains no latex so it is safe for those with latex allergies

As you can tell, I'm a big fan of silicone, but it wasn't until I gazed out upon the rows of brightly colored fake penises that I realized how popular these dildos had become. When I started selling sex toys in the early '80s, dildos were considered taboo by even the lesbian community (now the biggest consumers). The "if it looks like a penis you must want a man" stigma associated with the dildos made them a very unPC item to whip out on a date. Ironically, the second person to ever make silicone dildos was a lesbian craftswoman who got around this sex stereotype by crafting dildos in the shapes of dolphins, goddesses or small fists! (For those wondering, the first silicone craftsman was a disabled gentleman who designed them as prosthetics, only to discover a thriving underground market among sex toy fans).

For many lesbians today, the question is not whether you own one, but how many. The current preference in design leans toward realism rather than whimsy. What many people don't realize is that dildos have gained a tremendous following among straight couples as well. That's right, what's become commonly known as "strap-on sex" --putting a dildo in a harness and strapping it on in order to anally or vaginally penetrate a partner--is a common practice among straight and gay alike. Many straight men have discovered what many gay men have known all along--that it feels great to be anally penetrated by a lover wearing a dildo. Not only is this an incredibly intimate act, but it provides exquisite prostate stimulation. Women too enjoy turning the tables on their male partners, and can feel quite powerful with a penis between their legs. Many men also don strap-ons to experiment with double penetration on their lovers, or to prolong intercourse after an erection has subsided.

For those curious about strap-on sex, I've put together a very basic primer.

Choosing a dildo
Your tools will be a dildo and a harness. The dildo's most important feature is the flared base, as this holds it in place. Beyond that, your decision boils down to three areas: material, size, and function. As for materials, rubber and plastic can be an inexpensive way to test the waters, but ultimately you'll be more "deeply satisfied" (as they say at Vixen) if you go with a silicone toy.

Size is simply a matter of getting the right fit. Dildo sizes usually refer to length and width. If you're planning to use a dildo in a harness, you need to add about 1/2" to the length to accommodate the space between bodies. A good-sized length is about 7" (if you get one too long, you may bump up against the cervix). The width usually refers to the diameter of the dildo--the measurement across the toy if you were to cut it in half. If you're not sure about the diameter, choose something slightly smaller than what you think you'll need. Here's a tip if you want to get really precise: buy a fat cucumber, peel it, then warm it in the microwave. Try inserting it. If it doesn't fit comfortably, keep paring it down till you've found the right size. Then cut it in half and measure the diameter across your cuke. Voila! It's not as easy as figuring out your shoe size, but it works.

Function refers to how you plan to use your dildo. When you're all suited up in your harness, what position are you partial to? A dildo that curves up will stimulate the G spot in the missionary position, whereas a straight (or less curved) dildo (Mistress, Silk) affords more range of motion for those who like to mix things up. Women who want to wear a dildo while penetrating their partners give rave reviews to the double dildo known as the Nexus. If you're trying anal penetration, you'll probably want something slimmer like the Silk, or at least somewhat versatile like the Mistress. Make sure you get a smooth anal toy, like Twist, as anal toys with bulges in them, like Buddy, are meant to be left in place.

Choosing a harness
What you want in a harness is comfort and a good fit. If you hate G string underwear because you can't tolerate a thin string up your ass, then you know what I'm saying. Original harnesses were shaped like G-strings with a single strap in the back (these are still popular), but princesses like me preferred the subsequent design--two leg straps connected to a waist strap (as depicted in the Terra Firma harness). Also, men prefer this style because it leaves their testicles unrestricted. Widely regarded as the ultimate in harness-design, the Terra Firma is made of supple leather, is fully-adjustable, has a flap behind the hole to prevent the dildo from chafing public hair or skin, and features a removable ring which enables you to accommodate much larger or smaller dildos. Most harnesses are listed with dimensions and will fit a wide range of body types, but you should check to make sure the leg and waist straps are adjustable.

Finally you will have to choose between fabric and leather. Both are durable, but leather tends to be more supple and sexy, while fabric is more economical. Unless you're buying an exceptionally fat dildo or a small dildo with a flimsy base, most harness holes accommodate today's silicone dildos. Additional variations on the harness theme include a double harness, which allows the wearer to insert a dildo.

Getting Going
Before you debut your dildo and harness, make sure you have plenty of water-based lube on hand. Maximus comes in a nice pump container for easy application, and the gel-like texture is also good for anal penetration. One caveat: don't use silicone-based lubes (like Pink) with silicone toys, or the dildos will break down.

If this is your first time, you've already talked to your partner about engaging in this erotic adventure together, and you're both eagerly anticipating a round of strap-on sex. It helps if you have a good sense of humor--as with learning any new sex technique you're in for some trial and error, but with practice you'll get the hang of it. Even though the dildo is attached to your body, you can't feel it, so in the beginning it might help to put one hand around the base of the penis and guide your toy in and out for awhile until you get comfortable with the rhythm. Make sure your partner lets you know what angle and depth of penetration feels good, as well as speed and pacing.

Experiment with different positions. Instead of the missionary position, let the receptive partner be on top in order to control the motion. Or try standing at the edge of the bed (rather then kneeling on it) and penetrating your partner using the rear entry or missionary positions. During anal penetration, make sure the receptive partner relaxes his or her anus and use plenty of lube. Go slow. Insert a finger or two first to prepare the anus, especially if the dildo you'll be using is bigger than a finger.

All the action needn't be on the receiving end of a dildo; the wearer can stimulate his or herself in many ways: a man can wear a cock ring (Stretch), or anyone can insert an anal plug (Buddy).

Now you're ready to go out and try a little strap-on sex. I wish I could give you a tour of Vixen; you'd feel like a kid in a candy shop trying to choose your favorite style and color. But remember, what you can't do in person often makes for a great fantasy!

If you want more information on this subject, read the book, The Ultimate Guide to Strap On Sex. To see strap-on dildos in action, check out the Bend Over Boyfriend videos.

Have fun!

Anne Semans is the co-author of The Mother's Guide to Sex, and The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex,.