It's often ignored but the greatest erogenous zone in the body is the mind. Too many people believe that a good physical stimulation technique is all that matters with regards to masturbating to orgasm. Yes, technique is important but without the right state of mind and level of arousal physical stimulation is unlikely to lead to much more than frustration and sore genitals! So if having the right state of mind is so important what do we need to do to ensure it happens?

First of all it has to be said that there is no one answer for everyone. We all get turned on by different things but there are some common issues that are worth considering here. We will cover them in four sections but of course they all interrelate and the relevance of each to any individual will differ too.

Anticipation
Anticipation is so important. If you can get yourself really in the mood before you start to masturbate the chances of success will be so much higher. Yes some girls can just get to it at a moments notice if the opportunity comes up but most need to build themselves up before hand. This build up may take minutes or hours depending on the individual. For some it may be enough to think about what they are going to do and how it will feel while others may need other stimulus to really get in the mood. Pornography is dirty word to many but few object to mildly erotic material such as is found in mainstream magazines and novels. If you think reading or looking at erotic material will help to arouse you then do it! Pick whatever strength of material you fancy and on whatever topic you want. Don't feel constrained to read soft romance material if you want to watch an adult video and don't feel you must stick with 'normal' subject matter. If you have a secret desire or fetish you can feed it with appropriate material. Apart from turning you on this will also help you fantasize effectively when you start masturbating.

Focus
To get the most out of a masturbation session, even if you can currently reach orgasm, you need to ensure you have two things, time and privacy. Having these ensures that you can focus on having fun without distracting thoughts crossing your mind.

Time
As far as possible you need to set aside some private time for your session when nothing else will be allowed to interrupt. If you plan this time into your day you should be able to relax without having to worry about things like housework or homework. This is important because being able to switch off from the mundane day to day matters will make it easier to focus on enjoying yourself. Try and ensure that you set aside enough time for you to masturbate (or as much time as is possible if you don't know how much you will need). If you feel you are working against the clock you won't relax and that in its self may stop you from climaxing. Also, there is nothing more frustrating than to have to stop before satisfying yourself just because you are out of time. More concerning is the fact that doing this repeatedly can make your problem worse. Research has shown that repeated masturbation sessions that do not result in orgasm make it more likely that future ones will fail too (a learned response). Fortunately the reverse is true too. Once you are able to orgasm through masturbation it should become easier and easier over time. So if you start by having to set aside a couple of hours to ensure you reach an orgasm during your session you can expect this to fall significantly as you learn how to succeed.

Privacy
Masturbation is a very personal matter and most recoil at the idea of being walked in on while doing it. To ensure you can relax and enjoy yourself fully it is vital to ensure you will have privacy throughout your session. The ideal is to get the house to yourself for a couple of hours as this allows total freedom to do whatever you fancy and to make any noise you like. If that is not practical or is only possible occasionally and you need to masturbate more frequently, other options exist. Bathrooms where the door can be locked are great, especially if there are other facilities in the house so that you won't have to quit when someone needs to use the toilet. A tip that is worth considering if you do use the bathroom is to take a radio or cassette player in with you. The sound it makes will help reduce the likelihood of someone hearing you or hearing that there is no sounds of water splashing! Bedrooms may be a comfortable place to masturbate but they can lack guaranteed privacy, especially for girls still living at home or worse sharing a bedroom with a sister. One idea that may help if the bedroom is your only option is to find a place, such as sitting on the floor at the opposite side of the bed from the door, where you could see anyone entering the room before they could see what you are doing. Wearing a skirt with no underwear also helps as if someone does come to the door simply standing up will cover all. One word of caution. You may be tempted to seek privacy outside the home, such as in a car parked away from public places, or in public toilets. There are real dangers in doing this not least of which is being caught by the police as what you may be seen doing is an offense when done in a public place.

Pampering
Pampering is making yourself feel good, sexy and desirable. It puts you into the right frame of mind for masturbating in the same way as kissing and foreplay sets you up for sex. The types of activities that women get up to in pampering themselves are varied but some examples include putting on sexy clothing or underwear, putting on makeup, having a luxurious bath, putting special sheets on their bed, perfuming the room or even trimming/shaving their pubic hair. Lots of women have routines they like to follow as a prelude to masturbation. These routines help detach the woman from the mundane and help focus them on themselves and self indulgence. Don't feel you have to suddenly develop a complex pre-masturbatory routine but do think hard about what little touches would make you relax and feel sexy before you masturbate. Don't feel inhibited about indulging yourself, masturbation is often called self love and if by pampering yourself a little you make yourself feel more lovable then great.

Fantasy
Fantasizing is probably the most important part of the mental side of masturbation. It is the developing of and often the mental participation in an imaginary sexual scenario that the fantasist finds extremely erotic. Fantasizing may start before actual masturbation begins but it should not stop until masturbation is finished and an orgasm (hopefully) has been achieved. There is a strong link between the physical stimulation a woman gives herself and the fantasy unrolling in her mind. It does not matter whether stronger sensations in the genitals makes a woman fantasize more strongly or whether stronger fantasizing makes her stimulate herself harder. Whatever the truth is, one feeds the other until a state of excitement completely takes her over and nothing matters but the fantasy, the stimulation and the sensations building toward orgasm. Getting the mental and physical to interact in this way can take practice so don't expect to get it right first time.

It is important to say that the material in anyone's fantasy is entirely a matter of personal choice. There is no censorship involved so you can be as adventurous or crude as you like. The important thing is to be comfortable with your fantasy and not to wonder what others would think of you. If you would really like to have sex with person 'X' then go ahead picture their body and what you would do together. If you want to fantasize about group sex or whatever do it. If you are in a relationship, fantasizing about others does not make you unfaithful just as fantasizing about same sex relationships (common) does not make you homosexual so don't be shy do it!

It is worth mentioning two problems that can intervene and prevent the feedback loop of stimulation and fantasy leading to orgasm:

Firstly is a problem most common in women that have never previously experienced orgasm. It involves a sudden loss of concentration caused by panic about the apparent loss of control being experienced as orgasm approaches. If a woman is relaxed and confident about submitting to the intoxicating and disorienting effects of approaching orgasm this need not happen. If this could be your problem try to relax and enjoy the sensations and don't let what happens distract you. It may be a bit difficult the first few times but you will soon get used to it and will enjoy every second of it once you have the confidence to let go.

The second problem is rarer but more difficult to correct. Basically some girls and women have a guilt problem, possibly from religious roots or moral teachings, that tells them it is wrong to be doing what they are and it is this negative thought that can inhibit orgasm. This sort of problem may also be related to problems in sexual relationships with partners and may require counseling to overcome. If the guilt is mild, self appraisal of your feelings and views on masturbation and self pleasuring may help. If you realize that the majority of women do it, that it does no harm but has many positive side effects (according to numerous medical references), is non addictive, cannot spread diseases (unlike sex with a partner) etc etc... you may start to turn your attitudes around. If not do seek help from a reputable sex therapist.

Return To Problem Page