Written By: Katie

Cyber sex. The phrase typically conjures images of a man masturbating in front of his computer. Everyone knows only guys do that kind of thing, right? Given the popularity of Clitical.com and the questions asked here we know this is not accurate. But there are many questions that surround the whole idea of cyber sex. What exactly does cyber sex mean? Who does it and why? Is it for only the desperate and lonely? Is it cheating? Where can we get lucky? What can we expect from a cyber sex relationship?

What is the appeal of cyber sex? The answer is that anyone can get some. We log on into a world where "getting some" is easy to do. As a fantasy tool, cyber sex is hard to beat. It enables us to be anyone we wish to be and to partake in any manner of online sharing, from simple flirtation to all out, screaming spasms of ecstasy. Cyber sex, or cybering, is so alluring simply because it is so damn easy. Why bother going out to a place with 200 strangers, gambling on the slim chance of establishing something meaningful with one of them, or the even smaller chance of anything resembling real sex, when you can go to a place with a million or so people, meet someone in less than 30 seconds...and have a solid 85% chance of scoring! How's that for odds?

Better yet, you don’t have to go through the hassles of getting dressed up, applying make up, worrying about your hair or time of month and all that. You can be all sweaty in your flannel work-out clothes but ‘say’ you’re wearing a perfumed, semi-transparent designer night gown. It doesn't get any better!

“Cyber sex can be addictive.”

What exactly is cyber sexing?
Cyber sex basically involves two people, both sitting at their own computer. Sometimes there is the addition of web cams or web mics, but usually it's just the two people conversing back and forth with nothing more than a keyboard. The easiest way to describe cyber sexing is that they describe what they want to do to each other, what they have already done, or what they want to have done to themselves. The more descriptive you can be the better.

Who does it and why?
The allure of cyber sex knows no demographic boundary. It seduces people from all walks of life, spanning every conceivable difference in age, sex, religion, culture and marital status.

Is cyber sex only for the desperate and lonely?
While many of those involved in the cyber sex world are both desperate and lonely, there are just as many who live fulfilling sex lives. Why would a married person have to turn to the internet for sex? This is the real world, and being such, the reasons for wanting to cyber differ immensely. Some people just enjoy the fantasy aspect of it. Others enjoy exploring sexual scenarios, which they know their partners would never allow, or which they would never dare to ask of them. Some people consider cybering a safe alternative to having an affair. Maybe there is some dissatisfaction with their sexual relationship with their partner, however they love them and don't want to jeopardize that relationship by having a real life affair with someone.

So where can you get lucky? The cyber world has many places people congregate. Chat rooms, Instant Messages, IRC chat, web cams, dating services, and of course, message boards (although not much can get accomplished there sexually).

Many people start their online sexual relationships through emails. Swapping erotic emails can also be stimulating, and fun. You can start out slow and swap useful information, which might prove advantageous in future IM's. For example, if you are into anal sex, this can be shared in your initial conversations. Later when you're partner begins to tell you how much he would like to invade your anal area, you won't be shocked. I find that if both partners are playing the same game, addressing what really turns them on, the sexual conversation becomes more meaningful.

"I met a complete stranger in a chat room. It was the first time I had ever experienced cyber sex and, I was a complete novice. So was he, so it worked out well for us. One night after we cybered, I sat down and wrote a short little sexy scene and emailed it to him. To my delight, he loved it and asked me to do it again."

“I prefer chat rooms usually in private chat, but I have done scenes in open room before, although they tend to be just BDSM stuff. It’s a great way to try out stuff and see how you feel about it before doing it in real life. I don’t touch myself during the session, unless I am with a [Dominatrix] I know and she orders me to do so, to tell her how I taste or something. I find it’s a great foreplay and I will usually do an intense cyber and then go and wank, thinking about what happened. If I'm lucky and I know the person it can sometimes round off with a bit of phone sex, just to bring it nicely to a close.”

"I think I prefer the IM's...I must admit, I've had cyber sex once or twice (ahem), and it's nice to have that instant feedback from the woman (god, I hope they're women) that you're with."

“Cyber sex is not necessarily a fulfilling sexual experience - it's a nice change from masturbation all alone, though. With the hopes that the person you're talking to actually represents herself correctly, talking her through masturbation can be very thrilling...the pride of a job well done. Not to make it sound so clinical, but when you don't currently have a partner offline, it's the next best thing.”

Technical aspects
Instant messaging allows very private, one-on-one communication and instant feedback. You meet, and the typing and masturbation begins. Now of course, this only works well when you have the ability to type well, at a good pace, and you and your partner are not afraid to masturbate. You do know you have to touch yourself, right? Good spelling may be optional but not necessary. But believe me when I say, nothing upsets the person getting off than to suddenly see someone wants to put a "clock" in their pussy, instead of a "cock". The mood can be irrevocably altered, as laughing fits tend to produce the same effect as cold shower.

“well.....the spelling, it depends (like everything else with me lol) on the person, if they make a mistake, it's ok but I can't tell you how much it irritates me when people don't know the difference between their, there, and they're and you're and your...GOD that annoys me and I would never cyber with someone who can't get those straight...just my lil' pet peeve but an occasional error doesn't bother me b/c we all make mistakes.”

Getting off in this manner isn't for everyone.

“I have yet to get off typing..somehow "gasp gasp" "oh baby" as written words seem to loose their power.”

You have to be able to use your imagination. Run their words through your mind. Add a voice with gasps and whispers and inflection and passion. Here is where good description is essential. Describe the scene, include as many senses as you can.

"One pitfall is trying to address the keyboard and your desires at the same time."

The inevitable question...How do you type and jerk off at the same time? There are several ways to remedy this situation. The first is to take turns. Type to you partner your thoughts. Make it a running of commentary, allowing the other to, um, service themself. When they have finished, you get your turn.

“It's easier to type, stop, type, stop. for however long is necessary.”

Or, you could become very adept at typing one-handed.

“I didn't type and get off at the same time, but re-read his words afterwards, and masturbated. So did he, and then we'd tell each other what we did! Other times we'd write a whole fantasy, and then the receiver could masturbate without interruption.”

You might want to keep your messages to each other short, maybe a sentence at a time. That way the receiving partner is getting a steady stream of visual/mental stimulation, rather than waiting for three minutes while you type a paragraph. You might also want to settle ahead of time how you are going to indicate to your partner when you have had your orgasm. There’s nothing more annoying to be typing your little heart out, sharing your sexy thoughts to the silence on the other end only to receive a message like, “Sorry, I stepped out to clean up.”

Speaking of cleaning up - make like a Boy Scout and always be prepared. You know you’re there to masturbate, so make sure you’ve prepared your area before you begin. Also, if you’re concerned that you may be interrupted, please inform your partner that it is a possibility.

TRUST - Is cyber sex better with someone you know?
Is anonymous sex what you're looking for? Then cybering is for you. Get in, find someone to click with, get off and get out. But can you be comfortable enough with a complete stranger to get over you inhibitions and let it all hang out, so to speak? Many people cannot.

“For me, yes, it has to have some substance to be fulfilling to me. I couldn't ever go into a chat room and get myself off with someone I didn't know well. EEEWWWWWWW lord only knows what's on the other side of the line...”

Which brings to mind, who is on the other side of the line? It he really a six-foot tall, well tanned Adonis or is it your pizza boy? Does it matter? If this is to be an anonymous cyber interaction, and if the person typing the words to you can paint a visual well enough to turn you on and get you off, does it matter if he’s not sex he claims to be? To some it does. Although some enjoy the anonymity of cybering with a stranger, most expect a minimum level of honestly.

“It's definitely better with someone you know.”

“I guess to me it is a lot like sex itself. Not to be shared with someone that you don’t care about. Then it is just a piece of tail.”

“Hell, I flirt a lot and have fun but when it comes to the cyber sex thing it has to be somewhat serious.”

As mentioned above, personally I think that the whole experience can be much more fulfilling if you 'know' the person you are getting involved with. It's more fun to play up your partner's desires when you know what they are. It's easier to get what you want out of the session if your partner knows just which of your buttons to push.

What about having multiple partners?
Should you limit your involvement to just one person? It's a personal choice. But if I were about to have cyber sex, the last thing I want to hear about is everyone else my partner is doing it with. Think about it. Unless it is a turn on for you to hear of other's exploits, would you want to know you're the third person they've played with today? I guess that's more of an etiquette issue.

“Don't know about the multiple partners b/c I have a hard enough time finding just one lol. I'm very picky, I guess.”

What can we expect from a cyber sex relationship?
The answer to that depends primarily upon what kind of relationship you wish to develop. Are you cybering with a stranger with the expectation that you will never run into them again? Are you cybering with someone whom you consider to be a good friend? Are you cybering with someone with whom you have developed an emotional bond? These are all examples of the different levels of cybering.

“Cyber sex...cyberrelationships...phonesex...real sex...They are ALL relationships with other people...and from what I can tell, the medium is not all that relevant. Each participant in cyber sex has his or her own agenda...just like we do in real life.”

“The relationship does not have to have meaning to be functional.“

Who says relationships cannot be built on a small amount of words? But to what extent do we go when forming these kinds of relationships? Are they just relationships built on fantasies? Perhaps for some they are merely games and a way to "get off". However, to many, the online game of meet-and-swap-feelings sets the foundations of lasting relationships. In fact, people have met, gotten married… and the damn relationship lasted! Sadly, many others will end up falling in love with someone who may never materialize past their modems. This can be devastating.

"Have feelings become an issue? For some, yes. I find that I really care about these people - a couple I even love. It became more than just the sex. Even while I know I can never actually have them, I feel selfish and take what I can from them."

“I must admit, cyber sex has its pitfalls too. Getting too attached to your partner is bad - people just have a tendency to disappear here. And to take it a step further, I've actually met in person people I've met online. God, was it a bad idea.”

“Only one had some pitfalls when we started to become too attached, and the distance involved in traveling would have been impossible at the time. Having said that, we remain close friends and the experience was exactly what both of us needed at the time.”

Is cybering cheating?
Whether cyber sex constitutes real cheating is an issue many couples have been seriously debated. Is it cheating when no physical contact is made? Or is that line crossed only when emotions come into play? Unfortunately, there is no simple answer. It is a decision you will have to make for yourself. If you are in a committed relationship and you later find yourself involved in a serious cyber sex relationship as well, you have to decide for yourself whether your online relationship is cheating. If it feels like cheating, then it most likely is. However if you look at cybering as nothing more than a little harmless fun and has nothing to do with your relationship, then perhaps it isn't cheating. Let's face it, not all of the players out there are single people looking for mates. The number of married people cybering as a hobby is a large number.

“Yes, I think it's cheating because you are doing something that your spouse doesn't know about.”

“It’s ludicrous to get jealous or possessive about cyber sex, It’s a game, like writing your own erotic story.”

What about cybering with your partner?
Many couples enjoy this form of entertainment. Couples living together can spice up their sex lives by teasing and sharing sexual experiences without being right beside each other. For couples separated by distance, cyber sex is sometimes the only form of sexual communication they can have.

“I have had cyber sex with my boyfriend a lot when he is off station in Germany. Mostly we do it through IM and we send each other erotic emails…The downfall is that when I do that, I just ache for him even more...I start missing him a lot.”

“My boyfriend and I live quite a distance apart. Because we don’t have the luxury of seeing each other as often as we’d like, cybering has become a staple for us. I love the words he writes to me, how he describes just what he wants to do when we do get together is a big turn on.”

Safety Issues
I want to address some safety issues. Unless you know beyond all doubt everything that your cyber partner has told you is true, don’t ever release personal information. In fairytale land we like to think that everyone is being honest. But in reality, the person on the other end of the line could turn out to be an ogre. Never use your real name as a login name, and never give out your real name, place of employment or address. It also helps to become familiar with the areas that you find people to cyber with. Becoming a regular tends to give a person a bit of credibility. If you are using a site that you have to register for, such as Yahoo Chat, don’t put any personal information about yourself in the profile. Also, don’t give out links to any website that may contain your personal information.

“There are some freaks out there in cyberland! LOL scary scary people...esp. men posing as women...HEEELLLOOOOOOOO.....do they really think I can't tell??? geezzzzzz **rolls eyes** “

You not only need to protect yourself physically, but also emotionally.

“I became involved with a man who I met through a chat board. We started exchanging emails, then Im’s, and I even met him in person several times. Over a year after we had met in person for the first time I found out he was still married. Because our work schedules didn’t coincide well, most of our conversations were either late at night or when he was at work and I never suspected there was a wife. It took a very long time before I could again trust someone that I met on the net.”

What happens if you get involved with someone who makes you uncomfortable?
Log off. If you choose to go back into the room, use a different sign-in name. If it is someone you have given your email address to, block them. Also block them from any messenger services that you use and don’t accept any messages from them. If you think you’re being harassed, contact the chat room moderators or abuse center.

For all its pitfalls, is cyber sex worth it? I think so, if only to have the experience. You may learn a little about yourself in the process. If you decide not to, you know you’ll be passing on a free source of stimulation and future masturbation fodder. Whether your experiences will be good or bad depends on the choices you make. I wish you happy cybering!