Written By: MsAmyGirl

Many people begin exploring their bodies at an early age, leading to masturbation. It seems that the stereotype is that only teenagers or those not in a relationship masturbate. However, did you know many people in relationships continue to masturbate? In fact, masturbation within marriage or committed relationships is common, and is no cause for alarm. Around 97 percent of men and 68 percent of women masturbate on a regular basis. Results from the 1993 Janus Report on Sexual Behavior showed that this number is slightly less common among married people, but about half of married men and women reported that they masturbate. Nonetheless, to some people, it comes as quite a shock to discover their spouse or partner has a secret sex life that they were unaware of. There are a lot of common questions we’ve seen on Clitical regarding this very subject. Below are answers to some of these questions.

Why does my partner feel they need to masturbate? Am I not sexy enough/giving them enough sex?
There are many reasons people masturbate while in a sexual relationship. It may be as simple as they’re horny when their partner is at work or busy with something else. They may feel the need to have an orgasm, but may not feel they have the time or energy to pay attention to their partner, and therefore don’t want to initiate sex. Their partner may be tired, sick, asleep, having their period, or stressed, and not interested in having sex. Others have said masturbation helps them fall asleep easier, or it simply feels good, so they do it. Studies have shown masturbation among married females actually has a positive effect on their sex lives by helping them to understand their bodies better. Another benefit of masturbation is it can promote a feeling of being in control of one’s sexual satisfaction without always having to rely on one’s partner for orgasm.

Sex and masturbation are not necessarily mutually exclusive. A person can have a healthy, satisfying sex life and still masturbate. The fact that your partner masturbates does not mean that they aren’t satisfied with your lovemaking capabilities. It also does not, as some people believe, indicate that your partner is having (or considering having) an affair. If you still have doubts, the answer again lies in your partner. To find out why they specifically masturbate, you’ll have to ask them.

This brings up the issue of pornography. Many ladies feel if their partner has magazines or movies, that there is something wrong with the way they look. Remember, men respond to visual stimuli. A man can enjoy looking at women in movies or magazines, but can still appreciate the truly unique beauty of their partner. I have actually found that looking at magazines with my husband can be a wonderful way to gain insight into his thoughts. By discussing what he finds attractive in certain photos, I not only have gained an understanding of what he finds attractive in women, but also the qualities I possess that attracted him to me.

If you have just found out that your partner masturbates, the idea may take awhile to get used to. You are in the process of reevaluating what you know about your partner. You may feel like you have been mislead or lied to. Remember that many people feel that masturbation is a private matter that should not be discussed. Your partner may have been embarrassed to admit they masturbate, or afraid you would be angry if they told you. They may also feel guilty that they’re continuing to masturbate, even while in a sexual relationship. Keep these things in mind when discussing masturbation with your partner, especially if this is information you’ve recently learned.

How do I know if my partner masturbates?
There’s only one sure way. Ask them. Two things you’ll want to remember. The first is that as a general rule, discussions about sex should take place in a non sexual situation where you are not likely to be interrupted. Asking your partner while you’re making out probably is not the best plan. Likewise, striking up a conversation when your partner is trying to study for an exam, has to be to work in ten minutes, or when your children are due home from school any moment will not allow you time for a serious discussion. Secondly, make an effort to phrase your question so it does not seem like an accusation. Your partner is more likely to be on the defensive if you ask something along the lines of , “Have you been masturbating while I’m not home?” Compare that to opening the conversation with a general statement such as, “I was reading an article that said many people in sexual relationships continue to masturbate. Do you think that’s true?” By starting the conversation in a non-personal situation and then bringing it around to how the subject applies to your own relationship, both parties can feel free to have an honest conversation in a non-threatening environment.

My partner isn’t aware I masturbate and I would like to tell them. How do I go about doing this?
As mentioned above, timing and wording are everything. If you are not sure your partner will be receptive, you will want a discussion setting like the one mentioned above. That is, when you will not be interrupted and you are not in a sexual situation. Again, it may seem less threatening if you start the conversation off with a general, non-personal comment and then bring the subject around to your own relationship. If you think your partner will be receptive, you can try touching yourself during foreplay and see how they react. For ladies, leaving a visual clue, such as a toy in plain sight may not only open the conversation, but be a huge turnon for your partner.

How do I get my partner to masturbate in front of me/ watch me masturbate?
Many men and women fantasize about watching their partner masturbate. Rarely are those fortunate enough to have this fantasy come true disappointed. One discussion board poster reports: I love watching my boyfriend masturbate; I think it's incredibly sexy and arousing. (Heather, 2. So how do you make this a reality?To be honest, you can’t unless your partner is willing. You can express a desire that they do so, but that doesn’t guarantee your partner will be comfortable with the idea. Remember, even in a committed relationship, no means no. There is nothing wrong with expressing a desire to share masturbation with your partner. However, just as you are entitled to express your wishes, your partner is entitled to say no to anything they don’t feel comfortable doing. If your partner doesn’t seem comfortable with the idea, the worst possible thing you can do is keep bringing it up. If your partner says no, your best reply would be something accepting and open-ended such as, “I understand you aren’t comfortable with the idea, but please think about it. If you change your mind, let me know, I’ll still be interested.” Along these lines, many men ask on the discussion boards how to get their female partners to use toys while masturbating. This is very much a case where the matter should be discussed before the toy is introduced. Most women who have not masturbated or used toys would be completely intimidated if their partner whipped out a 7 inch vibrator in the middle of a sex session. The first step is to make sure your partner is willing to try a toy. The second is to start with a smaller, less intimidating toy such as the Fukouko or a bullet toy. The third is to allow your partner time to try out the toy in private before incorporating it into your time together. Let her find out how the toy works, what feels good, etc. before she has to worry about the toy and an audience.

My partner and I would like to incorporate mutual masturbation into our sex lives. How is the best way to go about this?
Make sure both parties are relaxed. A good way to accomplish this is a bubble bath or shower, followed by a glass of wine... but only one glass. The purpose of this is not to get your partner drunk. You are trying to make sure your partner is not tense about trying this. By being freshly bathed or showered, your partner is less likely to be self conscious about their body. Make sure you have plenty of uninterrupted time to spend together. For the first time, dim lights or candlelight will seem less intimidating. Some couples may wish to incorporate magazines or movies into the session, that’s up to the discretion of you and your partner. As a precursor, some couples may enjoy picking out a magazine or renting a movie together. Couples may also consider using sex toys during sessions. When using a toy, it is best if the toy has been used in solo play previously, so the person using it is familiar with what feels good and how the toy works. Laying side by side rather than sitting across the room or bed from each other may also be less intimidating to beginners, as this feels more intimate and less like a performance.

How do I get my partner to stop masturbating?
To be honest, this probably won’t happen. Your partner will likely only change their habits so they only masturbate when you aren’t at home. Making your partner feel as though they’re doing something shameful that you won’t tolerate may lead to resentment. Leaving the door open to communication is probably more beneficial to your relationship, even if the idea takes some getting used to. A previously married poster on the discussion board writes: I decided when I became single again that I would make it clear to my partners that I do masturbate and that if they don't like it, it is their problem, not mine. Unfortunately, my present significant other does not approve of me (or him) masturbating, but he is slowly coming around to the idea. I have flat out told him that I don't plan to stop, especially since we are in a Long Distance Relationship and get to see each other only about 4 times yearly. Some day I hope he will want to watch me masturbate, and I certainly would love to watch him, if I can ever get him to try it. (Blueswede, 56) If you’re honestly uncomfortable with the subject, you can tell your partner you don’t want to discuss it. You can control what they tell you, but trying for control over someone else’s body is a little more tricky and probably not practical.

Whether masturbation is kept private or shared between partners it is a common practice among those in committed relationships. Those who choose to continue to masturbate while in a relationship should know they are not alone, and this does not indicate any sort of problem in their relationship. As in any relationship, the rights and wishes of both parties should be respected. Whether you choose to share the act of masturbation with your partner or not, keeping an open mind and an open line of communication about the subject will be beneficial to your relationship.

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