Here is a question for the men. What is it that attracts you to a woman? In an informal poll I took, 90% of the men answered - confidence. They want a woman who is confident in who she is, no matter what she looks like. Herein lies the problem.

"I hate my body."

Even if you have not heard the words said aloud there is still a very good chance that the woman in your life has thought it. Women, myself included, feel the effects of our body image in our relationships - sometimes with disastrous consequences. Most women are raised to think that they have to measure up, but to whose standards? In almost every case, the answer will be "someone else's." Whether it is the insurance ratings, Barbie's figure, the media, or your peers, the answer is still the same. The insecurity formed by feeling that you do not measure up starts early for most - sometimes even as early as childhood. When insecurities run that deep, they are very hard to conquer. And those insecurities affect the decisions that are made in our lives. When your self-image is low, all of your decisions are based on self-preservation. We hide, do not get involved, and then find ourselves lonely and depressed.

When you can get passed the hiding stage, the insecurities are still there, you just disguise them better. We date whenever the possibility arises. After all, you think, this could be the only man that may be attracted to you. Okay, maybe some of us women with insecurities are not that desperate, but you get the picture. Attention is a funny thing. You want it, because you want to be accepted and loved, but at the same time you're terrified of it because you're going to have to let your guard down, and let someone get to know the real you. Some women never get to that point. They meet the man of their dreams, get married, and still insist on having sex only with the lights off. Some women do get past it enough to live a 'normal' life in a loving relationship, only to have childbirth change their bodies into something that they abhor. "How can someone love me when I look like this?" they think. Insecurity has reared its ugly head once more.

Some men will recognize this situation immediately. I have found that in this situation, there tends to be two types of men. The first is understanding, loving, and supportive in anyway that they can be. The second are demeaning, degrading, and hurtful. What is the woman doing at this time? Either trying unsuccessfully to get her body to cooperate or she is succeeding, or in some cases, she is giving up.

Please believe me, when I tell you that, if she is trying to lose weight, it will not help your cause to point out that it's not working. It will not help to constantly bring up the subject. We know there is a problem and do not need it pointed out. This will only lead to a decreasing self-image, and could take her to the point of giving up. The best thing you can do is talk honestly with her. If your opinion is that you cannot accept her the way she is now, then you have a problem. If you fall into that category, then I have something to tell you. Even if she has gained weight, chances are she is still the same person that you wanted to be with earlier. She still has the same feelings, the same desires, and the same dreams. You need to consider that. Relationships should not be based on the superficial. They should be based on the person inside. If a man were to lose all his hair, is it likely that the woman in his life would leave him because of it? Usually not. You would still be the same person, just with less hair. If your opinion is that you do recognize the person within, and she doesn't want to believe you do, then you need to tell her whenever you can, in whatever way you are capable of, that you still love her AND desire her.

Hint: A compliment can go a long way.

An image of this situation just popped into my mind. "That's a very nice sweat suit you're wearing. It compliments your eyes." Okay, maybe you shouldn't try that one - unless you truly mean it. But the point is, tell her about the little things that mean so much to you. Not just the sexual things, but everything. Nobody likes to be taken for granted. Let her know she is appreciated.

What do you do if this problem is causing sexual problems in your relationship? Again, the above can't hurt, but here is where the honesty has to reign. If you love her at any shape, you have to continue to tell her. If you do not, then you need to tell her what you want. You also have to be willing to support her then if she is going to try to do what you need - even if she fails and has to try again.

What happens if she does succeed? That all depends on how you treated her while she was trying to get there. If you were an understanding and supportive partner, chances are you will both be pleased at the outcome. Make sure you tell her how proud you are of her, and make sure you emphasize her good qualities - what ever they may be, and point out that she had those qualities even before she lost the weight. If you were not the understanding type, and assuming you are still together, you can probably count on many lonely nights. Words can hurt very deeply, and just because she is now skinny and attractive to you again, does not mean she can forgive and forget. Remember, she is still the same person.

The road to building a confident woman is made up of many bricks. Keep stacking them the right way and the road will become easier to travel, and the trip is guaranteed to be worth it.