Written By: Katie Rose

When you see a couple together and one has a physical disability, what is the first thing you think of? Do you ever feel sorry for them? Do you ever wonder what their sex life is like? I’m almost ashamed to admit that I’ve had thoughts like that. It seems so demeaning and stereotypical when I look back on it. Okay, maybe I'm a bit strange, but lucky for you this has led to the writing of this article.

People with disabilities are considered non sexual or asexual by those in society defined as normal. Disabled people are generalized as always happy, and meek people, void of opinions and having their place. Those non disabled don’t think the disabled or physically challenged have wet dreams, masturbate or have sexual urges. I honestly didn’t think I’d had much exposure to physically challenged individuals, until I took a serious look around. According to the census bureau approximately 1 in 5 Americans have some sort of physical disability. When I began doing research for this article I was overwhelmed by the lack of information available on sexually active disabled adults. However, I was lucky enough to get to know one couple that was willing to share their story.

Kim and Ron met online. After three months of corresponding by emails, instant messages, and phone conversations they were finally ready to meet in person. Cue the cheesy soundtrack and kick the insecurities into overdrive.

To Kim, Ron seemed like the ideal potential partner. She wasn't ready to say she'd met her soul mate, but they seemed to get along really well. They had many similar interests. She found him fun and very easy to talk with, and their conversations were mentally stimulating. They had exchanged pictures and finally the time had come for them to meet in person.

A week before the fateful "date" Kim watched a message appear on her screen.

"I have CP, Cerebral Palsy."

Her initial reaction was, "What does that mean?"

"It means that in my case, I am as normal as the next guy, except it affects the way that I walk," he’d typed.

This was an interesting turn of events. So the man had a physical disability. How did she feel about this revelation?

“My first thought was, okay, how bad could this be? So I did an online search to learn more about CP. Some of what I found was a bit frightening, describing worse case scenarios, but some of it was encouraging, so I asked him to tell me a bit more about his situation.”

Ron’s description went on to tell how he had been born with CP, and how he dealt with his disability as he grew up. Mostly CP limits his mobility, but it’s not the kind of thing that has kept him homebound. He shared more of what he can do, and how he has to adjust a few everyday activities to adapt, but reinforced that he doesn’t really see those things as a roadblock in his life.

"As I had come to know Ron, I had learned there was so much more to him than just a physical disability. He was well educated, held a college degree and could easily hold up his end of a good debate. He held a steady job in the public eye. His interests were not limited to books and theory, but he had many hobbies that were quite physical. It did come as a bit of a surprise that he didn't tell me sooner in our 'getting to know you' period, but I decided that I liked him enough to want to at least meet him, no matter if he had CP or not. It wasn't like we were planning on running off to get married. At this point, he was just a good friend, albeit a friend who I had entertained both romantic and sexual thoughts about.

"Of course, after he told me about it, I did think about how his CP would make a sexual relationship different from what I had experienced in the past. What kind of adjustments would I have to make to how I’m used to having sex because of his CP? I didn't think that I would have a problem accepting the fact that he had a disability but I worried that perhaps I wouldn't be able to reconcile Ron from online with the real life Ron that would be standing in front of me, with his disability being so obvious, and I worried that I'd somehow do something wrong. I don’t know what I thought I might do wrong, but I was afraid that I might hurt him somehow or that I might unintentionally hurt his feelings if there was something that I wanted to do sexually, and he would not be able to physically do it."

His Side: "I wanted Kim to see me as a person rather than as a disability. I wanted her to now that I'm normal in almost every way - equal to any other guy she might meet. I really liked her, but I wanted her to give me a fair chance. I was afraid that if I told her about it right from the beginning that it might scare her off before she got to know me."

"My track record of relationships was not good. To begin with, even though I was raised to be independent and went to public schools, my experiences with girls were very limited. As a teenager, and when I was in my twenties, recreation and education took front stage. I didn't really have time for a girlfriend. As I went through my thirties, I had more time for a relationship but none of those relationships ever became serious, and they almost never became sexual. The women all knew about my CP because it is obvious the minute I take a step, but they all wanted to have platonic relationships. I was a great guy and they liked me, but not 'that' way.

"My level of sexual frustration was quite high. When I was younger masturbation was my outlet. As I got older, masturbation became boring. I just stopped doing it. Then I met Kim online. I knew what I had done in the past had not brought me the results that I wanted, so I decided to do things differently. Maybe it was misleading, but because she understood, it all worked out.

“I also worried that I might not be able to please her physically. Like I said earlier, I wasn’t a virgin, but all my other experiences involved a high level of alcohol use. I knew all the motions to go through, but I’d never had the opportunity or the desire for that matter to perfect the act. I know that sounds clinical, but I already knew all my parts worked, now I just needed to know how to make the parts work to bring her optimal pleasure. Also, past partners had told me that it was good, but in the back of my mind I had my own doubts. Many people feel it necessary to withhold their true feelings from disabled people in an effort to guard them from being hurt. People are not honest with people who have disabilities. Like they don’t want to tell us the truth because they’re afraid they’ll hurt our feelings.”

Kim added: “I never had a problem with being honest with Ron. I figure it won’t do me any good to lie to him or to ‘fake it’ because I’m just hurting myself in the end. How can I expect to get the kind of stimulation I need if I don’t tell him? I don’t think that is a thought that is directed towards people with disabilities, but it pertains to any couple.”

A large part of the population is disabled - anything from blindness, CP, Muscular Dystrophy, back and neck injuries, and there are many websites that offer suggestions on how a couple can adjust their sex life to accommodate a disability, whether that is by trying different positions or by trying different types of stimulation. So, what was it like for them to become sexually involved?

She said: "From the moment I set eyes on Ron, I knew I wouldn't have a problem with his CP on a relationship level, but I was curious to know if everything else worked. Because he was inexperienced he was extremely inquisitive. He wanted to learn everything about how a woman's body reacts to stimulation. I know he was nervous, and he asked questions constantly, but that didn't bother me. Maybe because we were so open with each other about sexual issues and concerns."

He said: "When we first started to get intimate I did have some concerns. I wasn't a virgin, but my past definitely robbed me of some necessary information. It had been a long time since I had been with a woman, at least a woman that I cared about and wanted to be with for a long time. I was nervous because I wanted things to be just right. We did have to make some adjustments and find positions that worked best for us, but it sure was fun testing different things. Sometimes my body doesn't do what I want it to do, which can be frustrating for me. I want to try a new position or a different form of stimulation, either by moving in a certain position and it just doesn't work. Thankfully, Kim is very understanding. When something just isn't working for me, all I have to do is tell her and she's willing to try something else. The first couple of times that Kim and I tried to make love, I just couldn’t orgasm while having intercourse. I don’t know if it was because I felt I was under pressure, or if it was because I was used to being able to reach orgasm only by using my hand and I was sort of conditioned that way. But I was able to come by her pleasuring me with her mouth, or by my own hand while I watched her as we masturbated together, so that kept me in a good frame of mind, helping me to just relax and let happen whatever may. Kim was really understanding, and that helped too."

Kim added: “I just figured that we needed a period of adjustment. Sort of a getting used to each other’s bodies time. Because I knew his recent sexual history, it was easier for me to understand why he could come by his own hand, but couldn’t come while he was inside of me. Believe me, since that time we’ve discovered that there isn’t anything wrong with his penis, and that the CP doesn’t affect it in any way. The first time he was able to orgasm inside of me was like we had made it to a major milestone, but it was just the beginning of learning about all the different ways we can bring each other pleasure. We’ve discovered that we both enjoy mutual masturbation. Some days his muscles will be acting up or I’ll be stressed or for some reason we just don’t feel like having sex, we still can enjoy some very sexual, sensual time by masturbating in front of each other. That in itself helps us to learn more about each other.”

The fact remains that a person who is able-bodied should not dismiss a person with a disability because of the disability. Many people with disabilities can have very productive sexual lives, if given the chance.

He said: "When I first met Kim, I knew that I liked her as a person, but also knew that in order to keep her attention I had to set myself apart from any other person that she might meet. I also knew eventually I would need to tell her about my CP. I do admit that since we started seeing each other in person, I still find myself occasionally wondering why she is with me, almost like I don’t deserve her."

She said: "When Ron told me what his romantic life was like before me, I was somewhat surprised. I found it hard to understand why these other women he had been involved with wanted only a platonic relationship. I understand friends who don't want to become sexually active because they are afraid sex will screw up the friendship, but that wasn't always the case for him. Sometimes it seemed that the women were either afraid of dealing with his disability and how it effects sex or they seemed to be very selfish. I often say that they don't know what they were missing. There was another part of him that they didn't allow him to share with them. I see myself as a very lucky person."

How did Kim's reaction to his disability affect their relationship?

"I think that Kim's attitude towards my CP greatly helped not only our sex life, but also my own self esteem. She makes me feel like I'm free to ask her just about anything that I want."

Would Kim rather that they had met in person right from the beginning?

"I am very happy that Ron and I met each other the way we did. Had we met each other in a more traditional social situation, like at a bar, I don't know that we would be together now. I like to think that I would not have let his disability sway my judgment or that I would not have been so shallow, but quite honestly I don't know. I'm really glad that I got to know him better before we met in person. It was like we dated for three months before we actually dated. I knew his likes, dislikes, interests and family and I found that by the time we met face to face we had plenty of things to talk about, and I didn't even think about his disability."

So, is it that much different having sex with someone with a disability as opposed to a so-called ‘normal’ person?

“I suppose it depends upon what the disability is,” Kim said. “If it is something like a paralysis or spinal damage, I’m sure there are many adjustments that have to be made. Is it the kind of disability that will change over time, like multiple sclerosis? Then you have to constantly make adjustments, finding your own comfort level. You’ll have to try different things to find the optimal positions for intercourse, but what some people fail to see it that having a sexual relationship doesn’t mean you have to have intercourse. Sex is so much more than putting the thing in the thing. It’s the emotional feelings mixed with the physical feelings. It’s give and take. For us, we’ve been able to do almost anything we want by making adjustments. Even the kitchen counter isn’t off limits - lol. We just need to make sure that the height is right to not cause a strain on his leg muscles. Pillows are definitely our friends.”

What advice did they have for others who are considering a relationship with a person with a disability?

"Take a chance," Kim said. "If you give a person some time to get to know you, and for you to get to know them, you might be surprised by the person beneath the disability. Oh, and be flexible and open to trying new things."

Ron's thoughts: "Communication is very important. When you get to the point where you're going to be sexually active, you need to feel free to tell your partner what your needs are. If you have a question, feel free to ask. If you need to try a different position, make sure you tell your partner. And most of all, have an open mind."

To me, that sounds like good advice for keeping any relationship from becoming disabled.

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