A Man’s Role in His Lady’s Positive Body Image

Written By: C. Michael Smith

happy couple

What does your lady see when she looks in the mirror? Does she see an unhappy lady full of flaws and unworthy of love, or does she see a healthy, beautiful lady with your smiling face looking over her shoulder? What she sees in the mirror and the way she feels about herself are determined, to a large degree, by you - her man, and the way you either help build up her body image or help tear it down.

Body image is a person’s self-image, or mental picture, of their body, and the attitudes and feelings they have towards their appearance. It’s not static. Instead, it fluctuates according to one’s mood, environment, and physical experience. It is also not based on fact, but rather based on perception. Body image determines how attractive a person thinks they are. A person’s body image can be positive or it can be negative. We construct our body image from self-observation, the comments of friends, family, and others, the media, and society’s standards of attractiveness. A negative body image occurs when one’s mental picture of ideal differs from the physical reality of what he or she looks like. A negative body image can be a problem for not only women, but also for men. In fact, the number of men affected by a negative body image is growing by leaps and bounds. For the purpose of this article, though, we are going to focus on body image as it applies to women, and what we, as their men, can do to help them maintain a positive body image rather than a negative one.

Why should you get involved? Body image is not a light matter. It can have a tremendous effect on your lady. Therefore, it can have a tremendous effect on you, too, and on aspects of your life together as a couple.

What can we do, as men, to help our ladies with their body image concerns?

1) First, we must inform ourselves. We need to realize that a negative body image can be a very serious matter. At best, it can make your lady feel self-conscious. At worst, it has been known to lead to suicide. There are many other effects that can result from a negative body image, also.

It leads to a poor self-esteem.
It can cause your lady to have unhealthy relationships with others because she doesn’t think she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.
It can make her waste a lot of time, effort and money trying to be something she’s not, while neglecting her own special gifts.
It can cause her to become consumed by excessive and dangerous diet and exercise.
It can lead to eating disorders.

And that’s to say nothing for how it can affect your sex life. It can interfere with sex by bringing up feelings of inadequacy and shame and can keep your lady from relaxing and enjoying the experience to the fullest. Amazing sex is all about relaxing, freeing yourself, and getting lost in the moment - not about worrying about what your body is doing or what it looks like.

In a U.S. survey, women with a positive body image had orgasms 73% of the time. Self-conscious women only reached orgasm 42% of the time. Sex is not only about what’s happening on the outside, but also very much about what’s happening on the inside. If your lady is busy worrying about whether her breasts are drooping a little bit, she is trying to suck in her stomach so those extra 5 pounds she gained won’t show, or she is worrying about some other aspect of her body that she isn’t comfortable with, then she isn’t focusing on what she should be focusing on. It only makes sense that your sex life will suffer.

“I have a bad body image. I'm more self-conscious when I make love during daylight hours; I have not wanted my partners to get close enough to me to perform cunnilingus; I at times wouldn't let myself get hot enough to come (afraid of how my genitals would look if I was REALLY aroused).” Female, 55

During lovemaking, a lady with a negative body image may be thinking about a lot of things other than giving or receiving pleasure. She could be worrying about the following:

What her breasts look like when they fall to the sides when she is on her back.
What her butt looks like when her man is having sex with her from behind.
That her vagina isn’t tight enough.
That she has too much body hair, especially on her belly or near her nipples.
That she has too much pubic hair, especially if her partner is performing oral sex on her.
That her genitals are funny looking or ugly.
That her genitals aren’t fresh smelling or may taste bad.
That her face may contort in ugly ways during orgasm.
That she sounds funny moaning and groaning.
That she may do something she can’t control (like pass gas).
She may feel as if you are scrutinizing her body.

It’s important that you know about the most typical things that women with a bad body image could be worrying about, so you can negate her worries and help her relax and enjoy the lovemaking more.

2) We must learn to recognize the signs of a negative body image in our lady. If your lady exhibits one or more of the following signs, she could be suffering from a negative body image.

She always wants to make love with the lights off or under the covers.
She doesn’t like to shower with you because she’s too embarrassed to stand there naked.
She flinches if you touch her stomach, thighs, breasts, buttocks, or any other area she is uncomfortable with.
When you compliment her, she is more suspicious than flattered.
She constantly avoids sexual positions that may make her look unflattering.
She avoids the mirrors in the bedroom and bathroom when she is naked.
On one or more occasions, she has stopped having sex because she thought she looked lousy.

Just by spending time with your lady, you have probably already become aware of what makes her uncomfortable about herself. Besides weight, there are many other things that she may scrutinize and dislike about her body. From feet to chests to noses, most people want to change something about their bodies. For women, the areas they most commonly dislike are their wrinkles, thighs, hips, breasts, and butt. A smart man will try to minimize these insecurities in his lady’s eyes.

3) We must realize that we can help.

Through discussions, I've discovered that a lot of women have negative body images, but it doesn't seem to affect them to a large degree if their man is kind, loving, non-judgmental, complimentary, and shows affection.

“I have body image issues but when I see how much pleasure my guy gets from my body it certainly makes me feel better. When you look into someone's eyes filled with desire and longing it is easy to see a beautiful reflection.” Lilith, 34

“My partner greatly helps my body image. I never think about a big butt or thighs when I'm with him. One reason is because he touches and loves and kisses the areas I don't totally enjoy, always has something nice to say about them, and he passionately makes love to me for hours... I don't know how that helps, but it does. It makes me feel sexy and good about myself.” Female, Unknown Age

We need to compliment her best physical qualities and minimize her less than perfect parts. In time, we can overwhelm her negative body image by giving her a lot of positive reinforcement. After all, how can she feel sexy in the bedroom when she can't even accept herself as attractive? We have to turn that around. Here are some specific ways we can do that.

Compliment her physical appearance - especially her clothes, hair, shoes, and perfume.
Build your lady up in front of others. Compliment her. Brag about her.
Learn to give her a “5 Second Compliment”. When your lady fishes for a compliment, give her one - a good one! Here is an example of how the “5 Second Compliment” works:
HER: “Do you like this dress?"
DON’T SAY THIS: “Yeah.”
DO SAY THIS: “Wow! Yeah, you look beautiful in that dress. It really shows off your legs. You are a knockout. Every man at the party will envy me.” Then, give her a kiss.
You get the idea. Don’t give just a one-word answer. Make your compliment last 5 seconds or longer.
Don’t make her fish for compliments. You get major bonus points if you give her more unsolicited compliments than solicited ones.
You know the areas of her body that she isn’t comfortable with. A smart man will pay extra attention to them in his lovemaking. Be sure to kiss them and lick them often. Tell her how sexy she is to you. Make sure she knows you love her and accept her exactly as she is.
Don’t let her put herself down.
“My husband is not critical of my body and doesn't even allow me to be. If I say anything about my 'pudgy little body', he says, "Shhh! Shhh! Hush now, don't say that." He has never given me cause to be self conscious of my body.” Guinevere, 58
Keep her from comparing herself to other. The only people that look like supermodels are supermodels. When she compares herself unfavorably to others, her body image takes a beating.
Encourage your lady to invest in her positive body image. Buying a new handbag, a new pair of shoes, a new outfit, or having her hair and nails done will do wonders for her body image. She will look better and feel better about herself. Have her model her new look for you and be sure to bathe her in compliments.
Making the transition from making love with the lights off to making love with the lights on isn’t going to happen right away. Don’t pressure her. In the meantime, try making love in the candlelight. This will minimize the flaws that she may be worried about while at the same time allowing you to see more of her. Everyone looks sexy basking in the glow of candlelight. Men are visual creatures. Tell her how much you enjoy being able to see her sexy body in the candlelight. When she discovers that you are even more turned on and enthusiastic about being able to see more of her, this could help make the transition even faster.
Say the one word that she really wants to hear! Think back to your last few erotic evenings. During all that rocking and writhing, did you ever utter the word YOU? No? Now's a good time to start. Sprinkling that pronoun throughout your lovemaking sessions is one of the easiest, and often overlooked, ways to cook up more personal sex. By simply replacing the phrase “I'm so turned on!” with “YOU turn me on so much!”, you're letting your partner know that it's not just the sex that excites you, it's sex with HER.

“Actions speak louder than words. Without pushing her comfort zone / level too much I would (and have) given her all-over body massages, nibbled/licked at every body part I could get away with ;-), and generally shown her that I like, even desire her and her body just they way they are. And yes, words do come into play too. Genuine compliments play a part in bolstering her self-image, not just empty flattery.” Male, 39

CONCLUSION:
In this society of slim fast, diet pills, supermodels, and health clubs on every corner, we have been conditioned to believe that we not only can, but should improve our bodies - rather than learning to love our bodies just the way they are. Real beauty can’t be bought or sold. It can’t be made by any product. It comes from within.

Studies have proven that a big contributing factor in a woman achieving orgasm is her ability to relax, let go, and really connect emotionally and intimately with her lover. She can't do that, or at least will have a harder time doing that, if she is stressed out and uptight about her body. During lovemaking, be sure she knows that you appreciate the fact that she is vulnerable and exposed. Show her that you don’t care about her minor imperfections. You have them, also - everyone does. That’s not the stuff that matters, anyway. What really matters are her smile, her laughter, and the way she looks at you with love in her eyes. You are in love with a woman, a person - not just a body. A kind, loving woman is the REAL catch and all of her minor flaws and imperfections don’t even matter. After all, no matter how many imperfections she has, you can’t hide beautiful and you can’t hide wonderful!

What your lady sees when she looks in the mirror is in large part a reflection of the conscious and subconscious messages you send her. Now that you understand the role a man plays in his lady’s positive body image, what will your lady see the next time she looks in the mirror? Will she see the same old flaws that she used to see or will she begin to see herself in the brand new light of your unconditional love? That depends on you!

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