Written By: C. Michael Smith

Are you a highly effective lover? Do you aspire to be one? In order to become a highly effective lover, we must first understand the characteristics that they possess. Let’s explore what makes someone a highly effective lover. By doing this one simple task, we can compare and contrast the characteristics that we currently possess with those that a highly effective lover possesses. We can then begin to incorporate any characteristics that we don’t currently have. The effective use of these characteristics in your life will lead to fantastic sex. Success is virtually guaranteed, but implementing them into your life will take some real patience, prioritizing, and practice.

In gathering research for this article, I spoke to many people to ask them what characteristics make someone a great lover. All of the answers that I received fall within the following 17 characteristics. Read through them. Study them. See which characteristics you currently possess and then begin implementing the others into your lovemaking. I believe that by doing so, you will take one step closer to being the highly effective lover that you and your partner have always wanted you to be.

Become a Student of Yourself.
In order to be the best lover we can be, we need to first become students of ourselves. What makes you tick, sexually? Learn to tune in to your sexuality. Keep expanding your horizons of sensual pleasure. Learn to become more easily and strongly orgasmic. You have to learn about your own sexual response, what makes you feel good, and what leads you to orgasm. How can your partner know what to do to you to bring you pleasure if you don’t know yourself? If you lie there like a bump on a log and expect your partner to know what to do to make you feel good, you are going about it the wrong way, I’m afraid. Everyone is different and responds differently to stimulation. We weren’t all made from the same cookie-cutter mold. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. It’s not your partner’s responsibility to somehow magically know what to do to please you. It’s your responsibility to know and then to communicate this to your partner so they can bring you greatest pleasure possible.

A highly effective lover knows their body and their sexual response inside and out and communicates this information to their partner.

Become a Student of your Partner.
Everyone is different, so it’s best not to go into the sexual act with a preconceived game plan. Instead, it’s better to adjust your actions based on your partner’s response to them. All you have to do is learn to “listen” to what their body is telling you about your actions. Being attentive in the bedroom can pay huge dividends.

Focus on your partner and their body. What are their movements, their expressions, their breathing, and their vocal responses really saying to you? Even minute expressions can tell you a lot about what is happening. Listen to your partner’s breath. Are they breathing heavily? Has their breathing become quite rapid? Watch the way their body is moving. Are their hips gyrating? Is their head tilted to the side or to the rear? Are their eyes closed? Do they have goose-bumps? Is their body shivering? Listen for vocal clues. Are they moaning, panting, or screaming?

When you learn how your partner responds to sexually positive stimulation, then you can read their body and finely adjust your actions to better suit your partner’s needs. This knowledge takes time, patience, curiosity, experimentation, a good memory, and the willingness to be a student. When you find something that your partner really likes, remember it. Then you will have a head start next time. And remember - a good student always takes notes. I like to keep a journal of things that my lady really loves. I go back through it on occasion to remind myself of stimulation that she really enjoys and to make sure I am including all of her favorite activities in our lovemaking.

“A wonderful lover is someone attentive to my reactions to his actions. Sort of like following the bouncing ball...knowing the perfect ‘what comes next’ when I react a particular way.” Colleen, 45

A highly effective lover is an attentive and eager student of their partner so they may bring them the most pleasure possible.

Have the Desire to Please Your Partner above Yourself
It’s better to give than to receive. Learning to put your partner’s needs and desires ahead of your own can be very rewarding. When your partner sees how much energy and effort you are putting into trying to please them sexually, they will want to return the favor to an even greater extent. Can you imagine a relationship where the two of you are trying to out-pleasure each other?

If you are male, one way you can put your lady first is to develop the habit of making sure she has her first orgasm before you even enter her with your penis. This gives her the head start that many women need in lovemaking and shows that you truly care about her pleasure.

If you are female, one way you can put your man first is to make love sometimes even when you aren’t in the mood. Make love with your man just because he wants to and because you love him.

Try to think of other ways to implement this idea.

A highly effective lover derives pleasure from pleasing their partner and they find ways to put the needs and desires of their partner ahead of their own.

Learn the Importance of Making Love Outside the Bedroom
If your partner is resentful for the things you do (or don’t do) outside the bedroom, how can they give themselves to you fully and excitedly in the bedroom?

Men, do you regularly neglect your household chores? Do you sit in front of the television all the time like a bump on a log? Do you touch your lady in non-sexual ways or do you only touch her if you want sex? Women resent that, you know. Do you ever kiss her outside the bedroom? Do you ever talk to her? Really talk? Do you say I love you? Women need to feel cherished and secure. If you aren’t making her feel that way, or you are making her resentful for things your aren’t doing around the house, then how can she give you the best sex possible?

Ladies, do you constantly nag at your man? Do you make him feel useless? Do you brag about your man? Do you tell him how strong he is? Do you tell him how you feel so protected when he is around? Men need to feel like we are great providers and protectors. If you aren’t making him feel that way, or you are making him resentful by nagging at him all the time, then how can he give you the best sex possible?

Another way to make love to your partner outside the bedroom is to spend quality time together and create rituals. Make your partner your best friend and your sex life will explode!

Make a conscious effort to make quality time for your partner every day - even if it’s ten minutes of snuggling before going to sleep. It’s important to make a connection everyday. Take a walk together after dinner. Have a laugh at the supermarket. Clean or wash the car together. Have fun doing whatever you do together. Take a class. Join a club. Support a candidate. Plan a getaway. Tickle. Be Goofy. Just make sure you spend quality time with your partner - everyday. They will love you for it and your sex life will thrive.

Create rituals that involve sharing time. No matter how busy you are, make the time. Have one night a week set aside to watch videos in bed. Go for a special brunch every Sunday. Read the Sunday paper together in bed. Take turns making each other breakfast every Saturday morning. You get the idea. Rituals are an important part of a relationship. They provide fun, anticipation, security, and mostly intimacy.

A highly effective lover has made their partner their best friend and they understand that the better you make love to your partner outside the bedroom, the better they will make love to you inside the bedroom.

Develop a Technical Knowledge of Sex and the Body
Knowledge of sexual response, the body, and sexual technique are very important to a great sexual relationship. Become a student of sexuality. Learn all you can about the body and about the technical aspects of sex. Learn some new sexual techniques to include in your repertoire. Your newfound knowledge will reap a very pleasurable sexual harvest.

Please don’t say that you already know everything you need to know about sex. I promise that isn’t true, no matter your level of knowledge and experience. The average person has the sexual know-how of a 17-year old kid. That’s true! That’s when most of us stop learning about sex. Still not convinced? If I give you a few quick examples of things you can learn and how they can positively change your sex life, would you be convinced, then? Will that motivate you to begin studying on your own? Here we go.

Example #1: Did you know that 2/3 of the nerve endings in the vagina are located in the first 1/3 of the vagina? How can this knowledge help improve your sex life? While manually stimulating the vagina, you now know where to focus most of your attention. If most of the nerve endings are in the first 1/3 of the vagina, your best bet is to start there and see what happens. During intercourse, maybe you can try shallow strokes sometimes, so the bulbous head of the penis rubs against the walls of the first 1/3 of the vagina, where most of the sensitive nerve endings are located.

Example #2: Did you know that orgasm and ejaculation for men are not one in the same? They may or may not occur at exactly the same time. They may overlap a little or a lot. How does this piece of information help you? If you are stimulating your man, and you stop because the ejaculation has stopped, he may become frustrated or disappointed because his orgasm may still be going strong. For some men, orgasm continues even after the ejaculation has stopped.

Example #3: Did you know that some experts claim the most sensitive part of the clitoris is the upper-left quadrant (from her perspective). From your perspective, that would be the upper-right quadrant from the 12:00 position to the 3:00 position (on our imaginary clitoral clock). Do I have to explain why knowing this bit of information could be an all-good thing?

Ok, I hope that convinced you that your sex life could indeed be changed for the better by developing your knowledge of sex, the body, and sexual technique. There are some great ways to learn even more interesting tidbits of information. Try some of the following:

Read books. Many great books are available from online sources such as amazon.com that will teach you many things to improve your sex life. Just for fun, go to amazon.com and do a search on sex, masturbation, orgasm, and other sexually related words. See what kind of books are available that might appear interesting to you. You can have them discreetly shipped to your home.

Join a sexual discussion group. Online forums with a sexual theme, such as the forums on Clitical.com are a terrific way to learn about and discuss sexually related matters. Get all of your sexual questions answered and discover new and exciting ideas. Share sexual knowledge and learn from others.

Find sexually related articles and information online. Again, Clitical.com has a very good collection of articles on a wide variety of sexually related subjects. The information covered by Clitical.com continues to grow more and more extensive all the time. Learn everything you’ve ever wanted to know about many sexually related subjects.

A highly effective lover knows a lot about sexual technique and how to best apply the techniques to take full advantage of the sexual response of the body.

Be Open & Willing to Try New Things
I believe many people (especially men) are so terrified of failing in bed that they are afraid to take any risks or do anything to make themselves vulnerable, which is a failure in itself. Learn to open yourselves up. Learn to take risks. Be secure in your sexuality. Learn some new techniques. Experiment with toys. Try out some new positions. There is no growth without risk.

I’ll give you a few new things to try out, to get you started. If they work out well for you, great! If not, learn from it, laugh about it, and move on to something else new. There is no failure. The only failure is in not trying. Keep experimenting and I promise you’ll find many new pleasures!

If you like new positions, here are two of my favorites for you to try.

Flying Missionary Technique:
Begin intercourse in the standard missionary position. Have your lady wrap her legs and arms around your body and pull herself up to you so her body is completely off of the mattress and touching only you and nothing else. How long you can maintain this position depends on your strength and stamina and her size and weight. She will feel like she’s flying.

The Frog Technique:
Position him so that his back is against the headboard. Wrap your arms around his neck. Straddle him and lower yourself onto his penis. Now, use your legs to push against the headboard and pump your body back and forth.

How about a great oral sex technique that you’ve probably never tried before:

Diamond in the Rough Technique:
Wet heat has been used for ages for relaxation and healing therapy. Before you make love, take 2 washcloths and set them out in front of you, each in the shape of a diamond - not a square. Now cut a 3-4 inch vertical slit in the center of each one with a pair of scissors. Submerge each one in a bowl of hot water and place it next to the bed. When your lady is naked, have her lie down on her back and open her legs for you. Take one washcloth, wring it out, and place it against her vulva in the shape of a diamond - not a square. The top tip of the diamond should be up against her pubic hair. The bottom tip should be near her anus. The side tips should be against her thighs. Now press against the washcloth with your hands and perform some of your best oral sex maneuvers on her labia and clitoris. The wet heat feeling created by the washcloth is incredible and therapeutic. When that washcloth loses it’s heat, just place it back in the bowl, grab the other one, wring it out, and place it on her vulva and you are all set again. We want the washcloths to be very warm for this technique, but not hot. Be careful not to burn her.

Another great tip for experimentation is to bet your partner $10 that they can’t do something never-before-done to your body. Now, just lie back and watch as they invent new ways to please you.

A highly effective lover is willing to experiment, try out new ideas, test their personal boundaries, and take risks on occasion.

Make Sex Fun and Playful
Sex doesn’t always have to be a serious activity. It’s ok to talk. It’s ok to laugh. It’s ok to be playful. Make sure excitement, curiosity, laughter, eagerness and spontaneity are not foreign ideas in your bedroom. You can’t work at creating a better sex life - you and your partner have to play at it. Get silly; risk a new behavior or activity; laugh until you have tears in your eyes; wrestle, pinch, tickle, and chase each other around the whole house. You are becoming great lovers.

Need a few ideas to get your creative juices flowing?

The Catapult Game:
For this game, you need a bunch of grapes. The guy sits up against the headboard of the bed with his legs spread. The lady sits Indian-style between his legs. She should make his penis hard. Then he takes one grape and places it against the underside of his penis. Now he pulls his penis back until it lies against his stomach. Now he releases the penis and the grape goes flying. She tries to catch it in her mouth. It will likely take a few tries before the two of you are successful in catching one. That’s part of the fun. If she catches it, she doesn’t eat it. Instead she pleases him orally with the grape in her mouth or she shares a grape kiss with him.

Stupid Penis Tricks Idea:
Do something silly with your penis to make her laugh. Here are just a few ideas:
Draw a smiley face on it with a marker; hang a candy cane from your erect penis; hang a towel from your erect penis; do a penis dance - lock your hands behind your head while you are naked and gyrate your hips so that your penis swings in every direction.

A highly effective lover knows how to be uninhibitedly sensual and playful and understands that the couple who plays together, stays together.

Develop and Display a Sexy Confidence
Self-acceptance, self-esteem, and a good body image are necessary ingredients in a fantastic sex life. A sexy confidence is not only healthy, but also irresistible.

By becoming comfortable with yourself, you can more fully focus your energy on your partner rather than being embarrassed, inhibited, or self-conscious. You can gain valuable confidence by accepting yourself exactly as you are - shortcomings and all.

You can also attain confidence by studying and gaining valuable sexual knowledge, too. The more comfortable you are with your sexual ability and knowledge, the less nervous and uncomfortable you will be. You will seem confident to you partner - and confidence is very sexy!

A highly effective lover has developed a healthy sexual confidence and knows how difficult it is to sexually focus on your partner when you’re embarrassed, inhibited, self-conscious, nervous, or uncomfortable.

Learn to Communicate Assertively and Effectively
Great sex with a partner requires sharing your likes, dislikes, expectations, desires, and fantasies with each other. A relationship is made stronger by feeling connected to each other. Feeling connected assumes that you feel your partner listens to you and understands you, and that you listen to and understand them in return. Good communication isn’t just about verbalizing your thoughts, ideas, and opinions to your partner. It’s also very much about listening to their thoughts, ideas, and opinions, as well.

Many couples find it uncomfortable to initiate sexual conversations and openly discuss individual needs and desires. It’s not an easy thing to start, but once you do, you will notice your sex life soar to new levels you never knew existed. Did you hear that? That wasn’t an exaggeration! You really want to please your partner, right? Then stop guessing what they like and start asking.

A highly effective lover understands the importance of strong communication in a relationship and communicates likes, dislikes, expectations, desires, and fantasies with their partner.

Stay Focused in the Moment
A little known secret to astounding sex is staying focused in the moment. As passion heats up, we tend to concentrate on the quest for orgasm rather than what's happening RIGHT NOW. For an intensely primal connection, open your eyes and study your partner’s sizzling gaze. Be aware of the feel of their kiss - tune in to the temperature of their mouth and how your lips fit with theirs. As you run your fingertips over their chest, thighs, and stomach, notice the contours and inhale the smell of their skin. By staying focused, you can feel fiercely close to each other - which means the sexual intimacy, intensity, and energy will keep getting stronger and the sexual tension will build...and build...and build.

A great tip to help you stay focused in the moment is to correct anything that is bothering you or your partner as early as possible in a sexual encounter so that a minor irritation doesn’t evolve into a major disruption while making love. Is it too hot? Is it too cold? Is the music too loud? Are the lights too bright? Are you in an uncomfortable position?

Another tip is that it’s best to set out pillows, towels, drinks, candles, lubricants, music and anything else you need before starting your lovemaking session so one partner doesn’t have to get up to fetch these items later, breaking the mood.

A highly effective lover understands that it’s sometimes the little things that make sex so amazing. They know how to minimize distractions and stay focused in the moment. They appreciate all the little details, they savor them, and they enjoy every sweet moment.

Learn to be Physically Coordinated and Develop Good Rhythm
Great sex requires some coordination. All good sex, whether with a partner or alone, requires developing and maintaining a rhythm. If you don’t have a lot of coordination, you could appear awkward, and that’s never sexy. Coordination isn’t something that people have naturally, but it can be obtained and improved upon with practice. If you aren’t very coordinated, or have trouble maintaining a good rhythm, try one or more of the following: take dance classes; take yoga or tai chi; get involved in sports; have lots of sex! These activities all focus on centering your energy and using multiple body parts simultaneously.

A highly effective lover has developed good coordination and rhythm and understands their importance inside a great sexual relationship.

Work Towards Physical Fitness
Making love requires a lot of physical energy. If you aren’t in the best shape, you may fatigue easily and have to prematurely end the sexual activity. Being in better shape will not only help you last longer, but it will also help you to better enjoy what you are doing, as you won’t have to worry about all of the muscle soreness and fatigue you are experiencing. In addition, making love with someone who is in shape can be more physically appealing to some people. Being in better shape will also allow you to experience more variety in your sex life, such as new positions, that may not have been comfortable or even possible before. Not to mention that being in better shape is just plain healthy and will likely cause you to live longer together. Make it a goal to get in better shape. Join a gym together, take long bike rides together, or go for long hand-in-hand walks together.

Having lots of sex can burn up the calories, too. Did you know that the average lovemaking session burns between 50 and 100 calories. Having sex 3 times a week burns 7500 calories per year. That's the equivalent of jogging 75 miles. The more intense the sex, the more calories are burnt: up to 15,000 calories annually (at a frequency of three times weekly).

While we are getting in shape, don’t forget your PC muscles. We should get those in shape, also. Men and women can both benefit from stronger PC muscles. Strengthening your PC muscles will increase blood flow to the genitals and strengthen muscles, bringing more sensations to the area and making orgasms stronger and more likely. I’m told they can also help with incontinence. First, we have to find and isolate your PC muscles. To find these muscles, stop the flow of urine in mid-flow. These are your PC muscles. Practice tensing and relaxing them in reps of 15 as often as you would like. Some women find it easier to squeeze with something inside their vagina: finger, dildo, etc. They even make a Kegel exerciser that you can purchase online or at some adult toy stores that actually works better and faster than traditional Kegel exercises without it.

A highly effective lover understands the many sexual benefits of being in better shape and has learned the important benefits of having strong PC muscles.

Develop Unconditional Love, Acceptance, Patience, and Understanding
A great lover knows that respecting your partner and unconditionally accepting them is a very important part of lovemaking. If you want to focus on flaws instead of focusing on your partner’s positive qualities, then you will put a damper on the whole lovemaking process.

Nurture your partner and help them revel in sex appeal. Each time you affirm a positive aspect of your partner’s sexuality, you lovingly increase their sex appeal and their sexual self-image.

A great lover is a humble, forgiving person. If you truly desire a dynamic sex life, then let go of your partner’s mistakes, and heal your disappointed expectations. Cut each other some slack and remember that you are human. Learn to laugh about your shortcomings and move past them. Revel in the newfound intimacy that doing so will provide.

Unconditional love and acceptance can set the temperature for some very hot sex. Love, acceptance, patience, and understanding creates trust so you can try new behaviors and activities and risk appearing silly. You would never risk looking silly (especially during sex) with someone you didn’t trust.

A highly effective lover shows unconditional love, acceptance, patience, and understanding to their partner and reaps the benefits of a sizzling hot sex life because of it.

Understand Romance and Develop Your Soft, Sensual, Romantic Side
Romance is not a once or twice a year thing. It’s not something that’s only reserved for special occasions or to get out of the “doghouse”. Real romance has little to do with chocolates, teddy bears, jewelry, or flowers. It’s really about sharing and giving of oneself. It’s a combination of all the things you do (both big and little) to say, “I love you” and to let someone know how special they are to you. This may include gifts, foot and back massages, verbal demonstrativeness, dinners with candlelight and soft glances, stopping the car to dance in a parking lot because your song is on the radio, or many other gestures. Just think of all the ways you can say, “I love you” with romantic gestures.

A great lover is also a master of creating a romantic ambience. When preparing a room for a romantic encounter, be sure to keep the five senses in mine. The more senses you involve in your lovemaking, the better your partner will experience it. Here are a few ideas for involving the five senses in your lovemaking. I’m sure you can come up with even more.

Sight: Subdued lighting such as candlelight works great. If you want to create a different mood for your romantic encounter, try changing the lighting by using colored light bulbs. If you want to try something out of this world, try making love under a black-light while wearing only white. Finally, if you want to try something fun and surreal, try making love with a strobe light in the room.

Sound: Turn off the phone. Put on some nice, soft, romantic music. Talk to your partner. Tell them how much you love them. It’s also ok to moan and groan, too, and let your partner know how much you are enjoying them. You can also try talking dirty, if the two of you are into that.

Touch: Rub your hands all over your partner’s body. Use different textured items, too. To heighten your partner’s sense of touch, try blindfolding them and having them wear earplugs. Oftentimes, when you take one or more senses away, the remaining senses will be heightened.

Taste: Flavored lube or other flavored goodies like chocolate or whipped cream are great for involving your partner’s sense of taste.

Smell: Scented candles or cologne/perfume will give the room a romantic aroma.

A highly effective lover understands what true romance is, knows how to create ambience, is a creative romantic who invests time and energy wisely, and has taken the time to develop the soft, sensual, romantic sides of their minds and personalities.

Become a Master of Anticipation and Desire
Anticipation is a very powerful sexual tool - one of the most powerful, in fact. Learn to harness it. Use it to your advantage. Anticipation creates desire in your partner.

Let me demonstrate how anticipation works so you can see how powerful it can be in your sex life.

Abandoned Panties Idea:
Wanna drive us wild, ladies? When you are out with your man, say at a restaurant or the movies, go to the restroom and remove your panties. When you get back, hand them to your man and whisper that you want him. Don’t do this during a good movie, though. Chances are, you won’t be around to watch much more after you do this. This will create a huge amount of anticipation and desire in your man.

Teasing Touch Idea:
Touch your lover in the kitchen when you have friends over in the other room and they can’t do anything about it right away. Create anticipation and desire by touching their genitals through their clothing, whispering something naughty in their ear, and then walking back into the other room with your friends. See how long it takes for your lover to throw your friends out.

Touch, Tell, Tease Technique:
Place the tip of your lubed index finger near her vaginal opening. Now, move it straight up near her clit, but don’t touch her clit, then bring it back down near her opening. Repeat this many times. Be sure to tell her that you know you aren’t touching her clit. Say something similar to, “I know I’m not touching your clit, yet. I’m not ready to touch it yet. When I do touch it, it will feel great, don’t you agree?” By talking to her in this manner, you are forcing her to focus on her clit. Even though you aren’t touching her there yet, she is focusing on it and anticipation and desire will grow tremendously.

Instant Message Tease Idea:
Nowadays, almost everyone has access to a cellular phone, pager, or email. A lot of these phones and pagers are capable of handling instant text messages. Send your lover a series of 5-10 messages telling them how much you want them. Wait 15 minutes or so between messages. This will create anticipation and desire. Always end each message leaving them wanting more. Anticipation is a powerful tool. Here is an example of the first few messages you could leave. Use your imagination for the remaining messages and be careful to send the messages during a time when they will not inconvenience your partner (during an important business meeting, etc…).

MESSAGE 1:
“My hands are on your face to kiss you. My hands travel along your neck, shoulders, arms, and waist. I pull you close to me, kissing... (more later).”

MESSAGE 2:
“Still kissing you, I slowly lower myself to my knees, kissing your lips, chin, neck, chest, and stomach. My hands are on your butt. Now, on my knees, I begin to undo your pants…(more later)”

A highly effective lover is a master of anticipation and understands how to effective use it to create desire in their partner.

Develop Strong Passion
A great secret to fantastic sex is strong passion. You could have a book written by the world’s best lover and follow it to the letter, but if you go about your lovemaking in a clinical way, it will be a huge disaster because of lack of fire, or passion. Let your passion lead you. Fantastic sex is more than just touching a certain spot. It’s a frame of mind. Trust your instincts and follow your passion.

Those who restrain passion, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.

A highly effective lover makes love with a passionate fire.

Practice, Practice, Practice
To ensure that your sex life flourishes, immerse yourself in the characteristics above and be persistent and consistent in applying them to your sex life.

A highly effective lover understands the importance of being persistent and consistent and knows that practice makes perfect.

Katie sums it up with the following quote:

“The "World's Greatest Lover" would have to enjoy sex. They would appreciate receiving as much as giving, and would allow me to do so. They would be open to having sex in different places other than only in the bed, but wouldn't complain when that's where I want to have sex. They would appreciate variety - in positions, in lighting, in toys that we play with, but wouldn't mind occasionally just cuddling. They would give me verbal feedback as to what feels good, and what feels better yet, and would tell me what he likes about me (I like the occasional ego stroke). He would definitely enjoy giving me good oral. They would be okay with a quickie when the mood strikes, but would also know how to make slow, passionate love to me, including lots of teasing, touching, and exploring when we've set aside an evening just for us. He would also occasionally do something romantic, totally unexpected, and non-sexual. And he would look at me with a mixture of love and lust - when I'm at my best, and when I'm at my worst.“ Katie, 36